A Senior Moment with John Docker: Why can’t they just get on and work together?

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Anyone who watched Prime Minister’s Questions last week must share my concern at the new pinnacle of infantile behaviour it has reached. I often wonder what the rest of the world must think when they see our politicians behaving so outrageously – is this really the face of our so called model of democracy? Those two red stripes in the carpet - historically set two sword lengths apart to prevent opposing parties slashing the living daylights out of each other, are no defence against the slanging match barrage of abuse being hurled across the chamber from both sides.

Is this really the best way to solve our problems I have to ask? And will this tendency towards bad behaviour continue to the point where verbal missiles take on more solid substance? Imagine how quickly it could all escalate. Order papers converted to paper darts? Lethal! Ink pellets propelled by elastic bands – nicked from HMSO Stationery Office no doubt, redundant bound copies of Hansard, (plenty of ammunition there), orchestrated volleys from pea shooters, then the ultimate 21st century weapon of mass destruction - porky pies converted to Melton Mowbray’s finest. Still, I suppose at least that would be good for local business!

The more I listen to debates on the current crisis the more confused dot com I become. It’s rather like watching a pantomime - which may be seasonal but not too helpful. “The plan is working” cry one lot, producing irrefutable independent statistics. “Oh no it isn’t” bray the other lot, producing their own set of indisputable figures. And so it goes on - and on. Wouldn’t it be nice if one day the opposition parties said to the Prime Minister – “How can we help?” And the PM responded with “Well thanks guys, what do you think about this?” No hope of those flying piglets yet I fear!

But never mind. I have an idea to solve our monetary crisis. We’re up to our ears in debt. Right? The government’s running out of money. Right? We’re being squeezed till the pips squeak. Right? Right! But not all of us. So I have a suggestion. There are 619,000 millionaires in this country apparently, how about them coughing up a ten year interest-free loan to the nation to help us out of the mire? Most of them could afford to spare a million or two, even half million if they’re feeling the pinch. After all, every little helps! Then there are all those large corporations out there making vast profits. The builders, the bankers, the candle stick makers - and all their highly-paid CEOs. They should be good for a trillion or two. And finally as we’re all in this together, a fiver each from the rest of us would raise another few billion.

There you go, job done. I really can’t see what all the fuss is about!