Well I never, it seems I’m not alone in my disinterest in the beautiful game. There it was in black and white in a national tabloid, so it must be true.
Over half of us in this country are not interested in 22 over-paid macho-men kicking a piece of inflated leather around a field after all.
So why is it - I have to ask, that every time you turn on the telly there it is?
Full on, in your face. Every time you open a newspaper and every time you fight your way through the stacks of cheap supermarket booze, couch potato snacks and instant telly-ready meals there it is again - footie fever in all its prodigiously patriotic glory.
Flags galore, T-shirts by the yard and spherical objects by the bucket load. Even small shopkeepers seem to think they have to join in the fracas, to endorse this curious pastime.
And now of course, the frenzy has reached fever pitch thanks to the long-awaited WC phenomenon - though truth be told, our first appearance was hardly flushed with success!
Anyway, enough of this heresy but for like minded citizens here’s a promise, no more footie in this column ‘till it’s over – so you know where to come to get away from it all!
Now I have to admit to being more favourably inclined to that other upcoming sporting event of the summer.
Strawberries, cream and Pimms, you can’t beat it - an altogether different league otherwise known as Wimbledon fortnight.
But I do so wish the LTA would do something about those shrieking females before it catches on amongst the men.
Could that possibly be the odd grunt I’m hearing from two-handy Andy? Nah, as if! But doubtless Mr Salmond will have alternative speeches ready in support of the YES vote depending on whether the defending champion shines for Scotland or bottles it for Britain.
Even more disconcerting than the Sharapova screech, is news that English is now the second language for one in five primary school children and one in seven secondary school pupils.
About to become a great grandparent, I cannot help but regret the Britain of my own childhood no longer exists – or to express my concerns as to what kind of country it will be by the time he reaches maturity.
This is not just about the relentless dilution of our heritage, ancestry, beliefs and ideals, it’s also about the madness of living with health and safety obsession, political and religious dogma, technological freefall into an unknown abyss, unparalleled personal and commercial greed and corporate corruption now taken for granted.
As for the constant contradictions – first saturated fats, now we’re told white bread is good for us after all.
I swear one day we’ll be bombarded with undeniable proof obesity’s a health benefit!
Meanwhile, apparently academics have come to the conclusion blondes are not so dumb after all - because “90 per cent of them aren’t real blondes.”