John Docker: No sign of an end to our ‘Punch and Judy politics’

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As I was splashing away merrily at my car last week in an attempt to remove – seemingly, a large dollop of the Sahara desert from the windscreen, I couldn’t help but think “that’ll teach me to make light-hearted quips about a polluted Chinese river catching fire from a discarded fag end”. And for one ghastly moment I thought the camels had been exporting their dollop too – before realising it was just the local bird population adding an unwelcome four-pennyworth. Thanks a bunch guys but you’d better watch it or I’ll impose a sanction on the seed supply. I’m sure it would be more effective than the pathetic Putin protests from the EU.

As I was splashing away merrily at my car last week in an attempt to remove – seemingly, a large dollop of the Sahara desert from the windscreen, I couldn’t help but think “that’ll teach me to make light-hearted quips about a polluted Chinese river catching fire from a discarded fag end”. And for one ghastly moment I thought the camels had been exporting their dollop too – before realising it was just the local bird population adding an unwelcome four-pennyworth. Thanks a bunch guys but you’d better watch it or I’ll impose a sanction on the seed supply. I’m sure it would be more effective than the pathetic Putin protests from the EU.

The word pathetic also comes readily to mind when it comes to last week’s Prime Minister’s Questions. Once again it seems, governance of our country boils down to an exchange of insults hurled across the Chamber by the party leaders. No wonder they’ve kept the two sword lengths between the front benches. Otherwise instead of PMQs at midday, by now it would have deteriorated into walking sticks at high noon. Rubber tipped for health and safety reasons of course. And I thought both sides of the house wanted to put an end to Punch and Judy Politics. Simply upgrading it to the Muppet Show apparently!

But I suspect the weekly wobbly at Westminster will pale into insignificance alongside the increasing hassle over the home of the haggis. I see the latest nail being hammered into Mr Salmonds’ King of the North plans, is the fact that Scots would lose their vote in the next election and Scottish MPs would loose their seats south of the border following a yes vote. Scottish friends tell me if this were the case they would definitely be hot-footing to England on the basis they would then enjoy all the benefits afforded to immigrants from Romania. And who can blame them? I mean if the Scots are barmy enough to blow up five of Glasgow’s tower blocks as part of the opening ceremony for the Commonwealth Games before the referendum, goodness knows what they’ll get up to if they’re ever sawn off and floated out to sea. And another thing. If they do get a yes vote, does it mean Scotland will be eligible for a share of Britain’s Foreign Aid budget? And is there any truth in the rumour David Beckham’s gearing up for production of a new line in tartan underpants – just in case. Nothing would surprise me.

Finally, I know it’s rather unkind of me but I couldn’t help a bit of a titter on reading the story of a teenager who got stuck in a hole. Fell into it in the fog perhaps – I thought when I read the headline? Nah, dropped her brand new iPhone down a drain, couldn’t reach it with her hands apparently so tried “fishing for it with her feet”.

Well I’ve heard of internet phishing but this is ridiculous!