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Rutland columnist vows to stick to 2022 New Year resolutions

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It’s still January, so plenty of time to make those New Year resolutions, the promises we all make, and then justify to ourselves why we’ve broken most, if not all of them before the end of the month, writes Rutland columnist Allan Grey.

The New Year’s resolution has been a tradition for centuries in which all but a few sensible people resolve to accomplish an impossible personal goal, change a few unhealthy habits, or continue with some desirable traits at the start of a new year, 2022 being no exception.

How many of us have resolved to take out gym membership in the past, in a doomed attempt to lose weight and get ripped? We find we’ve paid three months direct debit before we notice those pitiless bathroom scales still haven’t budged a micron, only then to have an epiphany and realise you actually have to visit the gym in question two or three days a week and perspire a bit to stand any chance of losing a few pounds.

New Year 2022 resolutions. Photo: istock
New Year 2022 resolutions. Photo: istock

On top of all this traditional angst about coming up with a smart resolution, this year there has been great encouragement emanating from party central, 10 Clowning Street, the cry going up, ‘work from home’ if at all possible. Much as I love my home, the one word that sends shivers down my spine is ‘work’. So sorry BJ, I’ll not be taking up ironing, hoovering, dusting for you or anyone, which just leaves cooking, and given that I treasure the lovely lady dearly, I have resolved not to inflict that on her, or any other member of my family.

Staying on the WFH theme, our regular Amazon Prime delivery guy dropped by the other night and told us he has resolved to work from home for the foreseeable future, and if we wanted our stuff, Alexa would let us have his address in Milton Keynes.

I realise now that one unhealthy habit I picked up over many years was seeing my doctor in their surgery, where I quite liked to discuss the small matter of staying alive a while longer. There is no doubt that this habit is now considered somewhat passé by my local medical practice, but I’m afraid the thought of having to photograph a troublesome testicular wart, or a bothersome boil on my behind, or a slippery stool for examination via Zoom with a GP I’ve never met in person, goes way beyond any new year resolution I’m about to make.

Rutland columnist Allan Grey
Rutland columnist Allan Grey

Therefore, my community resolution for 2022 is to stop bothering them with my adamantine advance toward the abyss, which in turn will help keep them safe from me, and substantially reduce the telephone triage queue on Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays, don’t mention it.

Many resolutions of course involve alcohol, mostly the almost unachieveable goal of imbibing less of the stuff, or none at all. Nonetheless, undeterred by the futility of trying, I have resolved to stop my nightly 6pm gin and tonic; from now on I’ll wait until the Six O’Clock News has finished. I also recognise that I have been a little judgemental toward Range Rovers in 2021, and so at long last I resolve to take on board the concept of shared space with greater alacrity; whenever I see a Range Rover looking for space on the pavement on Oakham High Street, I resolve firstly to get out of their way sharpish, but then to smile sweetly and give them a kindly hand gesture, yes that’s right, a thumbs up.

Whilst on the subject of parking, and having spent many hours in the car park at Oakham Enterprise Park Vaccination Centre over the past few months, I resolve to create a Ted Talk on YouTube for all drivers in the latter stages of their lifetime behind the wheel, typically folk who’ve never heard of Bon Jovi or Napalm Death, explaining that the white lines on the ground should remain clearly visible for all to see once their parking manoeuvre is complete, and that the large white arrows are not some of Banksy’s lesser known Horizontal White Period artwork, to be admired briefly and then ignored, but intended to guide drivers in the correct direction around the car park.

Moving on to impossible goals, I mentioned to the lovely lady that in recent years I have seriously considering becoming a vegetarian, reducing some of that methane production that continues to warm our planet, and I’m not just talking about the cows. She then asked me what I would like for dinner tomorrow, a nice medium rare fillet steak, a slow cooked gammon joint, or the tender rib of beef with truffle and red wine gravy, and so after a little deliberation my resolution is to delay any resolution on this matter for a couple of weeks.

Having been an inveterate traveller for many years, I plan to explore more of those faraway lands, alien cultures and foreign languages. There’s so many places I’ve yet to visit, like Newcastle, Birkenhead and Mablethorpe, none of which are currently on the red list, or need a passport, although a phrase book will likely come in handy.

Perhaps it’s also time to resolve to continue some of the highly desirable traits I have developed in recent times, like regular lunches at the superb Otters delicatessen, dinners at the sumptious Hitchens Barn restaurant, coffee at the quirky Daily Grind, and buying my weekly copy of the Rutland Times from Tesco, none of whom fortunately have resolved to work from home yet, I wonder why? I will continue to cycle in temperatures above 10 deg C, giving people the benefit of my svelte lycra clad persona, whilst complying fully with the recently updated Highway Code, honest.

All in all Im sure you’ll agree that I have given due consideration to the tradition, and you’ll be the first to know in February how far behind I am against my New Year resolutions.

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