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Tips to get through a summer of Conservative political battles, according to Rutland columnist Allan Grey

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The extreme heat of the previous week saw the United Kingdom Health Security Agency justify its existence by forecasting a two day thermal apocalypse, and of course blamed it all on climate change, writes Rutland columnist Allan Grey. They chose to advise us all of the blindingly obvious, such as it can get quite hot in the summer, maybe use a bit of sun cream, drink some water, stay in the shade, possibly wear a wide brimmed hat or alternatively stay indoors in a cold bath with the curtains drawn, because this is what the future looks like mate.

Suffice to say they have now deemed it necessary to issue a further health alert due to a high risk of sustained bovine ordure during the Conservative party leadership contest. Red health alerts have been issued across the majority of the country, with the exception of Westminster and the Holyrood area of Edinburgh where most people are already up to their necks in excretory product and have long since developed T-cell immunity.

This latest state sponsored alert is intended to protect vulnerable people from the dopamine generated euphoria that many will experience following an overload of outrageous promises that will be made by the final two contenders to replace Boris Johnson. We can expect everything from massive tax cuts, doubling of old age pensions, removal of all fuel duty, free gas and electricity, a free Tesla electric car delivered to your door to help you achieve your own personal ‘net zero’ by the end of the year plus 100 points on your Costa card, with promises set to remain at a positively preposterous level through to early September. However, the one thing unlikely to be resolved is ‘what is a woman’, far too complex a subject for the potential leaders of our country to articulate in public, so although you probably have a fair idea already, please don’t ask and embarrass yourself.

Allan Grey (48177997)
Allan Grey (48177997)

Most of us can withstand the usual cut and thrust of political porkies. It’s simple, if you can see their lips moving, don’t believe a word you hear, but it is important to maintain a sense of reality at this time of high risk. You are advised to turn off the TV, the radio and social media for at least 20 hours a day, the highest risk times being between 8am and 11pm, yep, when you’re not asleep in bed.

If you have gullible family, friends or neighbours, make sure they are aware of how easy it is to be taken in by these seriously silky snollygosters, and ensure they keep themselves protected. Recommend they only have their TV on in the afternoon between 3pm and 6pm for Countdown, Tipping Point and The Chase, but whatever they do, recommend they do not turn over to the BBC, either radio or TV. It’s just too risky, Rishi or Liz could appear at any minute, complete with rictus grins, each offering their own version of fantastic fiscal fortitude.

In summary the top ways for staying safe are to:-

  • Look out for those who may struggle to contain themselves, most likely those with grey hair, those with underlying Daily Mail predelictions and particularly those who live alone and definitely any elderly members of your local Conservative party association.
  • Open all the doors and windows, draw the curtains back, and turn off anything electrically powered, maybe even the lights, drink plenty of fluids particularly strong alcohol and never leave your old Mum and Dad in a parked car with the radio on.
  • Care for your own mental health, get out into the garden, cut the grass, prune some roses, or get down to the allotment and grow some runner beans or if you shop at Waitrose, grow some avocados and goji berries, keep yourself occupied and pray for winter.
  • Keep away from the TV between 8am and 3pm, and between 6pm and 11pm when the bovine ordure is at its strongest.
  • Go for a walk, take the dog out, take the grandchildren to the park, and if necessary pop your ear-pods in, select a little Napalm Death, and then max the volume.
  • When you do go out, always take a hip flask with a nice malt whiskey, you never know when you might meet one of them on the hustings and find you need something strong to dull the pain.
  • If you must watch TV between the high risk hours, always ensure you have some beta-blockers within your grasp. Euphoria or super ventricular-tachycardia can strike with alarming suddenness, and it can be overwhelming. UKHSA’s ‘Overcome the Ordure’ checklist identifies suitable actions people can take to protect themselves during periods of prolonged exposure, but above all ensure you read the election enema blog for advice on how to undertake ad hoc colonic irrigation to rid yourself or a family member of any unwanted ordure.

If you manage to follow all this very sensible advice, you should come through the summer unscathed, but remember, if you do feel euphoric when your preferred candidate is elected to become our next Prime Minister, sit down, take a deep breath, and stay calm, it can all go pear shaped very quickly. Just ask BJ.

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